A love that never lets go

I don’t really want to write this. Perhaps it is because opening up and being vulnerable is new territory for me.  That path is unbeaten, fresh, and ready to be walked. Yet I hesitate, for I do not know where it leads.  Are there dead ends?  Are there monsters lurking behind the corners?  The monsters of fear, insecurity, doubt? It is a scary thing; vulnerability.  So I will do my best to express my thoughts without fear of retribution.

This morning, I woke up feeling rested, fresh, and ready to conquer the day. I was thankful for a new beginning, a fresh start, and the sunrise peeking through my window.  The extra hour of daylight savings as well!  What a morning!  But just as suddenly as I opened my eyes, and relished in the moment, that moment vanished and was replaced with dread, fear, feelings of failure, and my motivation to get out of bed dissipated as memories of the previous night returned like horrific flashes of light, invading my head space with thoughts of regret and negativity.  Suddenly, I did not want to go to church. I began making excuses that I was just unworthy.  My actions are hypocritical and I had no right shining out there, while the deeds that I am committing are breaking my Lord’s heart.  I was distraught. Yet I got up, and decided that regardless of my state, I will run, run, run to Jesus, begging Him for forgiveness the whole way.  I will refrain from sight, from service, and from anyone else because I am an unworthy servant. I will go in, repent, leave, and cry and repent some more. 

So with my plan set in place, I head to church, head bowed down, avoiding the glances of people off of the serving team, of which I take great delight in and am honored to be a part of.  I try to make my way to the cafe for a cup of coffee, and stop short in my tracks when I see someone whom I felt like avoiding that day, standing directly in the way of my path.  I quickly swerved from that direction and headed straight into the congregation, irritated that I could not have a warm cup of fresh brewed coffee that could at least offer some kind of solace to my already shot morning.  As I walk into the congregation, I practically run into the serve team gathered around in a circle, preparing for the next service.  I thought to myself, “ I cannot bypass these people, it is unnatural and unacceptable”. So I joined in the circle, almost sheepishly, hoping no one would notice the guilt and shame written across my face.  I hung out for a moment, almost hoping I could somehow escape.  But I lingered, I prayed, I set my belongings down, gathered my name tag, went to get a coffee, and took my post at the door to greet all the incoming worshippers of Christ. 

I did not even know how to properly stand. I felt so awkward and out of place.  Yet I stood there, and something happened.  As if something clicked inside of me, and I decided that I will release all my fears and inhibitions, and just go for it. Just keep on going.  So I confidently took my stance, coffee in hand, smile on my face, and greeted incomers with a genuine smile, and a heartfelt “Hello, welcome in”!  It was beautiful.  It filled my heart. It touched my soul. It changed my perspective, it renewed me.

The rest of the church service, including a conversation I had with one of the ladies that I was serving with,  left me overwhelmed with joy and encouragement, and a reminder that yes; the Lord does love me inspite of my flaws.  I hide, like Adam and Eve hid in the garden.  Yet God:  He goes seeking, calling “where are you”?  Unrelenting, unwilling to give me up.  His Love it surrounded me today.  He stopped me in my tracks.  I tried to run, I tried to hide.  But He did not let me get away.  He has a plan and a purpose for me.  And only He can make that perfect plan come to fruition.  He is a perfect God that is so intimately in love with an utterly imperfect human. I am a beast. I am a worm. The most unworthy of servants. Stumbling through life, begging for forgiveness every day. Wondering when I will stop and be more like Him.  Relishing in His love and forgiveness.  For only that allows me to forget my past, and move forward.

What I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s

If you asked me what I am doing, I would tell you I am sitting here being angry. Angry at the laws and rules and regulations that society, culture, religion make for us. How they shape and mold and condition our mind. Predict our future and what to expect, then throw us into the winds of this world, barely able to fly, and watch in disdain when we crash and burn.

No one told me reality has no mold, no law, no regulation, no limit, and no regard for my conditioning. Rather, it threw life into my face; whether I was ready or not. I was completely caught off guard, trying to juggle all the curve balls while maintaining a balancing act upside down, on one arm, with the audience of the whole world watching pitifully as I struggle. And that is a modest picture. But, the show must go on. So what do we do? Who can give us the answer? Or even a clue? What is life? How do I live it without screwing it up even further?

What I have come to realize is that Life is not something anyone can prepare for. Life is a gift. Yet unfortunately, we receive this gift with bias, skewed perspectives, dread, misconception, etc. etc. We blow through our twenties searching for meaning and purpose; while committing the most sins possible, and running on mercy and grace, repenting every Sunday morning. We near our thirties, anxious about the fact that we have not figured life out yet, only to realize; life doesn’t turn out the way we have expected! Life did not turn out the way it was supposed to be, the way we were told! And with tear streaked faces, we slowly come to terms with the realization that we may never receive what’s “expected”. Whatever that is, anyway. We may never figure life out. We may never please culture or religion. Society is always changing its fickle mind. Life is meant for living. In the here. In the now. Day by day. One step after another. This is life. It should be championed. Cherished. Lived! This is what I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s.

Who can explain the phenomena of hurt?

We’ve all been there.  That shattering, gut wrenching feeling of a broken heart. Crushed, used, abused, and left alone to put the pieces back together. Tear stained eyes, soaked pillows, countless nights of cries. Rejection, failure, loss, torn apart, a broken heart, hurt.

It’s true, what they say, that in dealing with loss, one of the stages is denial.  All the signs are there, but you cannot accept it.  Cannot voice it, face it, register it. These things happen to other people, surely it will not happen to me!  I am too great of a person, I have so much to offer, so much potential, I have been doing all the right things, sure I may have slipped up here and there, lost my temper, said some things I didn’t mean. But we got over it, right? We worked it out, hugged it out, loved it out. What happened.  Why are you ignoring me?  Why did you leave me?  Why did you HURT me?

And so it goes: woe is you, and nobody knows how to console your aching heart. No one has the answers, and you’re left mourning for the loss of something you could not hold on to; try as you might.  And you wonder, what went wrong?  You’re angry that you allowed yourself to get so attached, to get swept into a situation out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, or just mere bliss.  Whatever the reason, you did not expect your heart to latch on this strong.  Resulting in feelings festering inside, emotions running wild, a zest for this person so fierce, it’s hard to explain, even harder to contain.  A situation you meddled with for fun, turned into your worst nightmare-and it’s only just begun.

And the nights, they linger, and you long for rain to match your blues. But it’s sunny and warm, and life waits for no one. So you’re forced to continue marching on, accepting the bitter reality, and realizing that you; even you, are not impartial to heartache, heartbreak, rejection, loneliness, hurt.

Sometimes we do the hurting too. It’s a phenomena unexplained.  A vicious cycle uncontained. How do you protect yourself from this horrible pain? By guarding your heart; as the ancient writer of Proverbs says.  Good advice, I would say.  But like Eve, the forbidden fruit is always tempting, no matter the pain that lies ahead.

Inner being

The things we do: struggle with, cannot overcome, the things that control us.  What if most of our problems are our own undoing? What if we are to blame for our mistakes? What if the core of our problem is our own self?  A bad habit, for example.  Why do we fall back to this?  Is it because it’s comfortable? it’s safe, provides some sort of relief?  Although destructive, we continue that habit for temporary self-gratification.

Now I am not that naive to imply everything bad is our own fault.  That is far from what I believe.  Rather; I strongly believe culture/society, religion, social status, education, and most importantly, childhood rearing play a large role in shaping and developing us into who we become as adults. How we perceive the world around us and how we respond to challenges.  Tracing back to the home will lead us to the genesis of our transformation. From the caterpillar to the butterfly set free to roam the world.  This is where we learn emotion.  How to handle it, receive it, resist it, learn to control it-or indulge.  What you were shown in the home, becomes the model for your life until you realize that some things just weren’t up to par.  That you have the ability to change the way you see things.  I think it is very important to discover who you are at the core, and break down walls that have caused you to close yourself in; and mark boundaries that have allowed destruction in your life.  Learn who you are. Trace your steps backward, inward, deep into the crevices of the heart where it’s a little eerie.  Where things are kept safely hidden away from the world to see, even yourself.  But these are precious things, this is you.  And You are worth discovering.

Another year older

As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches.  Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed.  Woes and worries, stress and anxiety.  Your car speaker going out on your already failing car.  Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price.  stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist.  Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short.  And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you  get back up again and keep moving.  Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life.  Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”.  Life.  It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on.  Life. It has been beautiful.  Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low.  It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.

 

A fire awakened

a fire was awakened

burning with an invigorating flame

the allure of passion

and a quiet breath of surrender

eclipsing the moon

as flames lit a starless sky

desire so unyielding

there was no end to her cry

no answer to her why

only the resolution of shattered pieces

extinguishing impassioned flames

in cataclysmic fury

of a heart set ablaze

a fire awakened

recklessly abandoned

woefully unconsumed..

tatisreverie

She..

She’s a dreamer’s dream

Colliding into one

She turns her face to the sun

She throws her cares to the wind

As it caresses her hair

And stimulates her mind

She’s a free spirit you know

She’s one of a kind

I CAN do all things..

 

 

 

Relocating to the city has been an experience far grander than I ever imagined. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever imagined this at all.. As I stand around in wonder, taking in the sights; I am filled with inexpressible joy and humility. I have learned how small I am, that I cannot see this city in one day. That I cannot learn its language in one moment, or adapt to its culture instantaneously. Rather, I have been taught the opposite. That humility takes you far, curiosity allows you to see in depth, and stepping out of your comfort zone will reveal a world You did not realize existed.  As I mentally chew on my thoughts, I realize how far I’ve gone and thought to myself; what would I say if someone asked me if I thought about whether I could do it or not ? I have come to the conclusion that it’s not whether you can or can’t, it’s a matter of if you do or don’t. Because after all, I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.