What I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s

If you asked me what I am doing, I would tell you I am sitting here being angry. Angry at the laws and rules and regulations that society, culture, religion make for us. How they shape and mold and condition our mind. Predict our future and what to expect, then throw us into the winds of this world, barely able to fly, and watch in disdain when we crash and burn.

No one told me reality has no mold, no law, no regulation, no limit, and no regard for my conditioning. Rather, it threw life into my face; whether I was ready or not. I was completely caught off guard, trying to juggle all the curve balls while maintaining a balancing act upside down, on one arm, with the audience of the whole world watching pitifully as I struggle. And that is a modest picture. But, the show must go on. So what do we do? Who can give us the answer? Or even a clue? What is life? How do I live it without screwing it up even further?

What I have come to realize is that Life is not something anyone can prepare for. Life is a gift. Yet unfortunately, we receive this gift with bias, skewed perspectives, dread, misconception, etc. etc. We blow through our twenties searching for meaning and purpose; while committing the most sins possible, and running on mercy and grace, repenting every Sunday morning. We near our thirties, anxious about the fact that we have not figured life out yet, only to realize; life doesn’t turn out the way we have expected! Life did not turn out the way it was supposed to be, the way we were told! And with tear streaked faces, we slowly come to terms with the realization that we may never receive what’s “expected”. Whatever that is, anyway. We may never figure life out. We may never please culture or religion. Society is always changing its fickle mind. Life is meant for living. In the here. In the now. Day by day. One step after another. This is life. It should be championed. Cherished. Lived! This is what I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s.

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To my fellow introverts: help!

How many of my fellow introverts find dating to be quite exhausting? Anybody else out there or am I the only one who actually avoids it due to the constant need to explain to others my need for space, my love of being alone and indoors. That quiet solitude is a total norm for me, and no; I’m not mad at you, I do like you, and yes! I am having a lot of fun! What does an introverted girl need to do to keep the love coming, but also keep it at a safe distance until further notice?
Okay, I do have game, and I have no problem snagging a man. But as an introvert, I have a tough time opening up and letting people in. And I mean friends too. New friends. Sure, I am super bubbly, outgoing, and extroverted whenever the feeling strikes. But mostly, I am quiet, calm, collected, and always juggling several different thought processes in my mind. But I do enjoy having you around, even if my lack of enthusiasm often times throws you off.
What are some ways I can perhaps relay myself better so that I don’t come off as cold or rude? Which to be quite frank, I intentionally become thus when people try to barge in on my personal and/or private space. Boundaries people, boundaries! Also, as an independent female, sound, and completely okay fending for myself; how do I resist falling into a bit of panic or get overwhelmed when I’m met with someone who is extremely needy, clingy, and constantly needs my attention? How best can I tackle these issues as an introvert who truly wants to be your friend, soul mate, whatever; but also someone who really needs to take their time before diving in?
Thoughts, tips, comments?
Xoxo,
Tatisreverie 

Rediscovering myself

I am working on self love.  I realized that is what I lack.  Sure, I love my appearance.  But do I love me?

Growing up in a big family had its pros.  But it also had its cons.  Those I did not come to realize until I grew up and began dealing with myself.  Myself at work, in relationships, public settings, alone.  “Who am I?” I would often ask, wonder, ponder..search.

After getting hurt, or rather, allowing toxic people into my life and run rampant all over me, I realized something was not right.  How was I allowing this?  Why did I obsess over people who rejected me?  Why do I desire so passionately and fiercely to be accepted?  Why am I afraid to stand alone?

  1. How was I allowing being mistreated?

I was the middle child.  Closer to younger.  Much younger than the older siblings.  Too young to go out, too old to play.  The feeling of being left out; it hurt.  It felt like no one wanted you around.  You weren’t qualified enough.  You were beaten down, talked down to, unaccepted, rejected.  That was the card you were dealt.  And it became accepted as normal treatment.  It was so regular, you did not blink an eye when it was happening.  Rather, you try to improve to fit in.  But you don’t. So you go around in life accepting the same behavior.  Accepting anything and everything life throws at you, regard it as a normal functionality of life, and do what you must to fit in with the crowds.

2) Obsession over people who rejected me.

I don’t know how I managed to get here, but apparently it’s an ego issue.  Which is a relief and hopefully a quick fix.  Or maybe its reliving childhood trauma all over again.  Being rejected.  left behind, unwanted, unseen, ignored.  And you plead with the world to see you, take notice, love you, accept you.  But you feel discarded.  Why?  Why do you feel this way?  Why do other’s opinions matter so much?  Why are you so afraid of your own voice, your own thoughts?  Was it because you were never taken seriously?  So therefore, you’re downtrodden, and angry when yet another person walks away from the mess you don’t know you’re in.

3) Desire to be accepted.

After being neglected and overlooked for so long, you crave the need for attention, acceptance, recognition, guidance, and will do whatever it takes to get it; right?  Some people act out and misbehave.  Or in my case, you recede.  You lay low, try to remain unnoticed and unheard, lest you give yet another person the chance to mock you or scorn you, correct or reject you.  Those needs that were not met growing up resulted in fear, resentment, insecurities, pain, non acceptance of self, self loathing, trying to figure out what was wrong with you, and why no one likes or accepts you.  No one champions your strengths, sees your potential and capabilities, admires your accomplishments, encourages you to continue striving. No one cares. So that longing for someone, anyone to show some sort of interest is like a hit of opium when that need is finally met.  That’s why we allow toxic people into our lives.  Our sense of judgment, filtering, and boundaries is skewed and not developed fully.  We take what we’re given and try to make the best of the situation.  Often leading to compromising our values, beliefs, and morals.  We debase ourselves.  We allow ourselves to be trampled on, laughed at, scorned, bullied, and we don’t realize that we have a voice and we are allowed to use it.  We were never given the opportunity to sharpen this tool.  Rather, it was always silenced.  Suppressed, tuned out in the noise.  Forgotten in the chaos.

4) Why am I afraid to stand alone?

I shouldn’t be by now.  Because alone is all I’ve ever known.  And alone is where I discovered myself.  My beautiful, loving, caring, capable, valuable, lovable, desirable, intellectual, incredible, unique, special, and talented self.

The mess is still there, but I’m doing my best to clean it all up.  Clear up the hurt and the heartache.  Wipe away the pain of rejection and fear of failure.  Sweep out all negative thoughts and emotions.  And nurture to life what was neglected by others and by myself for so long.

The night that’ll never be again

You appeared unannounced

uninvited

I was not looking for you

yet there you were

and my heart was instantly smitten

to my surprise

and yours.

you took me by the hand,

and you showed me the moon

and even though I knew this could not be

I allowed my heart and my head to swoon

I followed you through the night

and let you rest your head upon my shoulder

as we ventured through the city

night after night

knowing soon this will be over

the adventures that awaited

flash through my mind

as memories flood back

and I smile every time

although my heart it hurts

the knowledge gained is crucial

the experience of past mistakes

laughter into tears

sheer ecstasy into inconsolable sorrow..

was it worth the pain

was it worth it at all?

The questions we dared not ask

allowed to leave unsanswered

we rode through alley ways

laughing in the night wind

our hearts heavy

but we forbade it to sink in

and deep into the night, as we travel on

we wait in embrace trying not to catch the dawn

yet our eyelids betray us

as sweet slumber steals our infinity

until I wake to a bittersweet moment

where I am left alone

staring back at you

as my heart begins to tear

In ways I never knew

You are a memory I cannot take

yet a memory I often return to

the night beside the water

where you showed me the stars and moon

the clouds that danced above us

sweet silhouettes before our eyes

while we gazed unto the heaven

agonizing over the coming sunrise

we threw caution to the wind

 and conquered the sultry night

hurriedly, painfully, blissfully

the night of many stars

the night of broken hearts…

while time it waited for no one

Marching on without a care

disregarding our distance

laughing at our despair

but in it’s hurried pace

it swept us along

mending our broken hopes and dreams

time

we thought our enemy

was the greatest healer of things.

as the coals of passion settle

and ashes fall to the ground

I find that when i search for you in my memory

my heart no longer is bound

I do not reach for you

while I gaze into the sky

I peer into the horizon between us

magnificent as the stars

the moon we no longer gaze at breathlessly

has laid it’s plaster upon our tainted scars