Goals are an interesting phenomena. We set them based on our skills and strengths. We set them to overcome weaknesses by presenting ourselves with numerous challenges. Then, we dip into our prowess to make dreams a reality.
Why do we goal set? Easy; to get a head in life, right? I hate to ask this, but have you ever compared your effort with someone else’s? I have. I have. I had to take a step back and have a pep talk with my inner self to reassure myself that we all grow at our own personal pace.
Sometimes, however, I cannot fathom how some people are just blessed. Blessed. And I mean BLESSED with something I am working so hard to attain. Almost as if that came so effortlessly to them. They were given it. Born with it. Or got lucky and have that which I yearn for. Which I pursue with such vigor; sometimes wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion but always picking myself up again and persevering. I have been told all my life that “life is not fair” but in all honesty, that does not even begin to justify this phenomena. It is quite unfathomable to me. I cannot in my mind come to terms with this reality. How is it that I can put in all my time, effort, invest so much of myself into one or two particular goals, anticipating a specific outcome, only to come up with nothing? Yet I look around and see others practically flaunting those things so nonchalantly..it causes me so much wonder, almost to a point of anger. How is this possible? And why are my seeds taking so long to sprout?
A few days ago, I stumbled upon a great quote comparing and contrasting people in all stages of life and the end result/outcome. The bottom line was that everyone is going at their own pace. We cannot mock or envy those around us, because they are running their race at their pace, as are we. As am I. I found solace in that, and was greatly satisfied to stumble upon something that agreed with what I have been thinking on, and what I have eventually come to terms with. I no longer feel left behind, forgotten, although difficult at times. I have decided my race has been outlined specifically for me, and I would never be the amazing woman I am today, had I not gone through the challenges life presented me. I am continually growing and developing, achieving and failing. Learning and pressing on.
Who were you meant to be? What is your destiny, and what is it that you are so desperately searching for? Almost in a frenzy, frantic and anxious. Seeking, searching, crumbling, neglecting. What is it? Where is it? Who is it..? If that’s even an option. A garden, overgrown and unattended to. Weeding was never something one wants to do. But there’s a certain reward aspect to the process: hoe in hand, breaking up the dry ground, sifting through the top of the soil, sweeping away the weeds. Breaking, uprooting, sifting, cleaning, clearing, new soil..clean soil, allowing room for new blooms to blossom. Growth; the process.
The things we do: struggle with, cannot overcome, the things that control us. What if most of our problems are our own undoing? What if we are to blame for our mistakes? What if the core of our problem is our own self? A bad habit, for example. Why do we fall back to this? Is it because it’s comfortable? it’s safe, provides some sort of relief? Although destructive, we continue that habit for temporary self-gratification.
Now I am not that naive to imply everything bad is our own fault. That is far from what I believe. Rather; I strongly believe culture/society, religion, social status, education, and most importantly, childhood rearing play a large role in shaping and developing us into who we become as adults. How we perceive the world around us and how we respond to challenges. Tracing back to the home will lead us to the genesis of our transformation. From the caterpillar to the butterfly set free to roam the world. This is where we learn emotion. How to handle it, receive it, resist it, learn to control it-or indulge. What you were shown in the home, becomes the model for your life until you realize that some things just weren’t up to par. That you have the ability to change the way you see things. I think it is very important to discover who you are at the core, and break down walls that have caused you to close yourself in; and mark boundaries that have allowed destruction in your life. Learn who you are. Trace your steps backward, inward, deep into the crevices of the heart where it’s a little eerie. Where things are kept safely hidden away from the world to see, even yourself. But these are precious things, this is you. And You are worth discovering.
As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches. Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed. Woes and worries, stress and anxiety. Your car speaker going out on your already failing car. Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price. stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist. Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short. And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you get back up again and keep moving. Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life. Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”. Life. It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on. Life. It has been beautiful. Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low. It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.
a fire was awakened
burning with an invigorating flame
the allure of passion
and a quiet breath of surrender
eclipsing the moon
as flames lit a starless sky
desire so unyielding
there was no end to her cry
no answer to her why
only the resolution of shattered pieces
extinguishing impassioned flames
in cataclysmic fury
of a heart set ablaze
a fire awakened