A love that never lets go

I don’t really want to write this. Perhaps it is because opening up and being vulnerable is new territory for me.  That path is unbeaten, fresh, and ready to be walked. Yet I hesitate, for I do not know where it leads.  Are there dead ends?  Are there monsters lurking behind the corners?  The monsters of fear, insecurity, doubt? It is a scary thing; vulnerability.  So I will do my best to express my thoughts without fear of retribution.

This morning, I woke up feeling rested, fresh, and ready to conquer the day. I was thankful for a new beginning, a fresh start, and the sunrise peeking through my window.  The extra hour of daylight savings as well!  What a morning!  But just as suddenly as I opened my eyes, and relished in the moment, that moment vanished and was replaced with dread, fear, feelings of failure, and my motivation to get out of bed dissipated as memories of the previous night returned like horrific flashes of light, invading my head space with thoughts of regret and negativity.  Suddenly, I did not want to go to church. I began making excuses that I was just unworthy.  My actions are hypocritical and I had no right shining out there, while the deeds that I am committing are breaking my Lord’s heart.  I was distraught. Yet I got up, and decided that regardless of my state, I will run, run, run to Jesus, begging Him for forgiveness the whole way.  I will refrain from sight, from service, and from anyone else because I am an unworthy servant. I will go in, repent, leave, and cry and repent some more. 

So with my plan set in place, I head to church, head bowed down, avoiding the glances of people off of the serving team, of which I take great delight in and am honored to be a part of.  I try to make my way to the cafe for a cup of coffee, and stop short in my tracks when I see someone whom I felt like avoiding that day, standing directly in the way of my path.  I quickly swerved from that direction and headed straight into the congregation, irritated that I could not have a warm cup of fresh brewed coffee that could at least offer some kind of solace to my already shot morning.  As I walk into the congregation, I practically run into the serve team gathered around in a circle, preparing for the next service.  I thought to myself, “ I cannot bypass these people, it is unnatural and unacceptable”. So I joined in the circle, almost sheepishly, hoping no one would notice the guilt and shame written across my face.  I hung out for a moment, almost hoping I could somehow escape.  But I lingered, I prayed, I set my belongings down, gathered my name tag, went to get a coffee, and took my post at the door to greet all the incoming worshippers of Christ. 

I did not even know how to properly stand. I felt so awkward and out of place.  Yet I stood there, and something happened.  As if something clicked inside of me, and I decided that I will release all my fears and inhibitions, and just go for it. Just keep on going.  So I confidently took my stance, coffee in hand, smile on my face, and greeted incomers with a genuine smile, and a heartfelt “Hello, welcome in”!  It was beautiful.  It filled my heart. It touched my soul. It changed my perspective, it renewed me.

The rest of the church service, including a conversation I had with one of the ladies that I was serving with,  left me overwhelmed with joy and encouragement, and a reminder that yes; the Lord does love me inspite of my flaws.  I hide, like Adam and Eve hid in the garden.  Yet God:  He goes seeking, calling “where are you”?  Unrelenting, unwilling to give me up.  His Love it surrounded me today.  He stopped me in my tracks.  I tried to run, I tried to hide.  But He did not let me get away.  He has a plan and a purpose for me.  And only He can make that perfect plan come to fruition.  He is a perfect God that is so intimately in love with an utterly imperfect human. I am a beast. I am a worm. The most unworthy of servants. Stumbling through life, begging for forgiveness every day. Wondering when I will stop and be more like Him.  Relishing in His love and forgiveness.  For only that allows me to forget my past, and move forward.


stop with the expectations!

Seriously. Stop.

All my life I have been told that good things are coming.  That: “you just wait, and the right thing will come around!”  Okay sure, I do believe that good things come to those who wait.  But, how long do you have to wait until you actually start doing?  Must we just sit there patiently and wait for things to fall from the sky for us??

So patience is a virtue, right? Right!  It is also a fruit of the Holy Spirit.  One that for me is a great challenge producing (help me Lord!).  But it is good to practice being patient with others, patient with yourself, etc. etc.  I think it is out of context that when people consider waiting equals sitting idly and expecting something to fall out of the sky, in the meantime, wasting life away. I have realized, finally, after 10 years, that time is of essence, and life is meant for living, NOT WAITING!!!  What are we waiting for?? The future?? Don’t worry, it’s coming! And it’s coming fast! so put down your “over thinking caps” and put on your cape, and let yourself live. Laugh a little. Cry if you need to, but by all means, please stop pitying yourself while waiting for something to happen. Go out, get busy, and you will see how rapidly things will fall into place! The doors that will burst open for you, the friends you will make!  LIFE is meant to be taken advantage of, not the other way around!!

With that being said, I hope you can hop off your device and go outdoors and see the opportunities that await!

Bye, off to go living!


What I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s

If you asked me what I am doing, I would tell you I am sitting here being angry. Angry at the laws and rules and regulations that society, culture, religion make for us. How they shape and mold and condition our mind. Predict our future and what to expect, then throw us into the winds of this world, barely able to fly, and watch in disdain when we crash and burn.

No one told me reality has no mold, no law, no regulation, no limit, and no regard for my conditioning. Rather, it threw life into my face; whether I was ready or not. I was completely caught off guard, trying to juggle all the curve balls while maintaining a balancing act upside down, on one arm, with the audience of the whole world watching pitifully as I struggle. And that is a modest picture. But, the show must go on. So what do we do? Who can give us the answer? Or even a clue? What is life? How do I live it without screwing it up even further?

What I have come to realize is that Life is not something anyone can prepare for. Life is a gift. Yet unfortunately, we receive this gift with bias, skewed perspectives, dread, misconception, etc. etc. We blow through our twenties searching for meaning and purpose; while committing the most sins possible, and running on mercy and grace, repenting every Sunday morning. We near our thirties, anxious about the fact that we have not figured life out yet, only to realize; life doesn’t turn out the way we have expected! Life did not turn out the way it was supposed to be, the way we were told! And with tear streaked faces, we slowly come to terms with the realization that we may never receive what’s “expected”. Whatever that is, anyway. We may never figure life out. We may never please culture or religion. Society is always changing its fickle mind. Life is meant for living. In the here. In the now. Day by day. One step after another. This is life. It should be championed. Cherished. Lived! This is what I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s.



Who were you meant to be?  What is your destiny, and what is it that you are so desperately searching for?  Almost in a frenzy, frantic and anxious.  Seeking, searching, crumbling, neglecting.  What is it?  Where is it?  Who is it..? If that’s even an option.  A garden, overgrown and unattended to.  Weeding was never something one wants to do.  But there’s a certain reward aspect to the process: hoe in hand, breaking up the dry ground, sifting through the top of the soil, sweeping away the weeds.  Breaking, uprooting, sifting, cleaning, clearing, new soil..clean soil, allowing room for new blooms to blossom.  Growth; the process.