Running my own Race

Goals are an interesting phenomena.  We set them based on our skills and strengths.  We set them to overcome weaknesses by presenting ourselves with numerous challenges. Then, we dip into our prowess to make dreams a reality.

Why do we goal set? Easy; to get a head in life, right? I hate to ask this, but have you ever compared your effort with someone else’s?  I have. I have.  I had to take a step back and have a pep talk with my inner self to reassure myself that we all grow at our own personal pace.

Sometimes, however, I cannot fathom how some people are just blessed.  Blessed. And I mean BLESSED with something I am working so hard to attain.  Almost as if that came so effortlessly to them.  They were given it. Born with it. Or got lucky and have that which I yearn for. Which I pursue with such vigor; sometimes wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion but always picking myself up again and persevering.  I have been told all my life that “life is not fair” but in all honesty, that does not even begin to justify this phenomena.  It is quite unfathomable to me. I cannot in my mind come to terms with this reality.  How is it that I can put in all my time, effort, invest so much of myself into one or two particular goals, anticipating a specific outcome, only to come up with nothing?  Yet I look around and see others practically flaunting those things so nonchalantly..it causes me so much wonder, almost to a point of anger. How is this possible? And why are my seeds taking so long to sprout? 

A few days ago, I stumbled upon a great quote comparing and contrasting people in all stages of life and the end result/outcome.  The bottom line was that everyone is going at their own pace.  We cannot mock or envy those around us, because they are running their race at their pace, as are we. As am I.  I found solace in that, and was greatly satisfied to stumble upon something that agreed with what I have been thinking on, and what I have eventually come to terms with.  I no longer feel left behind, forgotten, although difficult at times.  I have decided my race has been outlined specifically for me, and I would never be the amazing woman I am today, had I not gone through the challenges life presented me. I am continually growing and developing, achieving and failing. Learning and pressing on.  

Me.

Who were you meant to be?  What is your destiny, and what is it that you are so desperately searching for?  Almost in a frenzy, frantic and anxious.  Seeking, searching, crumbling, neglecting.  What is it?  Where is it?  Who is it..? If that’s even an option.  A garden, overgrown and unattended to.  Weeding was never something one wants to do.  But there’s a certain reward aspect to the process: hoe in hand, breaking up the dry ground, sifting through the top of the soil, sweeping away the weeds.  Breaking, uprooting, sifting, cleaning, clearing, new soil..clean soil, allowing room for new blooms to blossom.  Growth; the process.

 

#Cultivatingmygardenseries

Who can explain the phenomena of hurt?

We’ve all been there.  That shattering, gut wrenching feeling of a broken heart. Crushed, used, abused, and left alone to put the pieces back together. Tear stained eyes, soaked pillows, countless nights of cries. Rejection, failure, loss, torn apart, a broken heart, hurt.

It’s true, what they say, that in dealing with loss, one of the stages is denial.  All the signs are there, but you cannot accept it.  Cannot voice it, face it, register it. These things happen to other people, surely it will not happen to me!  I am too great of a person, I have so much to offer, so much potential, I have been doing all the right things, sure I may have slipped up here and there, lost my temper, said some things I didn’t mean. But we got over it, right? We worked it out, hugged it out, loved it out. What happened.  Why are you ignoring me?  Why did you leave me?  Why did you HURT me?

And so it goes: woe is you, and nobody knows how to console your aching heart. No one has the answers, and you’re left mourning for the loss of something you could not hold on to; try as you might.  And you wonder, what went wrong?  You’re angry that you allowed yourself to get so attached, to get swept into a situation out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, or just mere bliss.  Whatever the reason, you did not expect your heart to latch on this strong.  Resulting in feelings festering inside, emotions running wild, a zest for this person so fierce, it’s hard to explain, even harder to contain.  A situation you meddled with for fun, turned into your worst nightmare-and it’s only just begun.

And the nights, they linger, and you long for rain to match your blues. But it’s sunny and warm, and life waits for no one. So you’re forced to continue marching on, accepting the bitter reality, and realizing that you; even you, are not impartial to heartache, heartbreak, rejection, loneliness, hurt.

Sometimes we do the hurting too. It’s a phenomena unexplained.  A vicious cycle uncontained. How do you protect yourself from this horrible pain? By guarding your heart; as the ancient writer of Proverbs says.  Good advice, I would say.  But like Eve, the forbidden fruit is always tempting, no matter the pain that lies ahead.

Another year older

As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches.  Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed.  Woes and worries, stress and anxiety.  Your car speaker going out on your already failing car.  Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price.  stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist.  Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short.  And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you  get back up again and keep moving.  Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life.  Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”.  Life.  It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on.  Life. It has been beautiful.  Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low.  It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.

 

A fire awakened

a fire was awakened

burning with an invigorating flame

the allure of passion

and a quiet breath of surrender

eclipsing the moon

as flames lit a starless sky

desire so unyielding

there was no end to her cry

no answer to her why

only the resolution of shattered pieces

extinguishing impassioned flames

in cataclysmic fury

of a heart set ablaze

a fire awakened

recklessly abandoned

woefully unconsumed..

tatisreverie

setting goals and chasing dreams

Productivity: the cure to a yearning soul.

I have discovered that one of the greatest motivators is staying productive.  I never understood the concept of setting goals and making progress to achieve them.  I always thought goals were something adults did to gain wealth or other out of worldly accomplishments.  I suppose I  never attempted goal setting simply because I thought it was beyond me.  But I have discovered that goals are milestones, set by you, solely for you. What do you want to do, what do you love to do? What is your passion, calling, something you want to learn?  Whatever it is, write it down, chase it, try it, and if you love it, keep it as as precious jewel and lay it in your treasure chest; setting room aside for more.