Who can explain the phenomena of hurt?

We’ve all been there.  That shattering, gut wrenching feeling of a broken heart. Crushed, used, abused, and left alone to put the pieces back together. Tear stained eyes, soaked pillows, countless nights of cries. Rejection, failure, loss, torn apart, a broken heart, hurt.

It’s true, what they say, that in dealing with loss, one of the stages is denial.  All the signs are there, but you cannot accept it.  Cannot voice it, face it, register it. These things happen to other people, surely it will not happen to me!  I am too great of a person, I have so much to offer, so much potential, I have been doing all the right things, sure I may have slipped up here and there, lost my temper, said some things I didn’t mean. But we got over it, right? We worked it out, hugged it out, loved it out. What happened.  Why are you ignoring me?  Why did you leave me?  Why did you HURT me?

And so it goes: woe is you, and nobody knows how to console your aching heart. No one has the answers, and you’re left mourning for the loss of something you could not hold on to; try as you might.  And you wonder, what went wrong?  You’re angry that you allowed yourself to get so attached, to get swept into a situation out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, or just mere bliss.  Whatever the reason, you did not expect your heart to latch on this strong.  Resulting in feelings festering inside, emotions running wild, a zest for this person so fierce, it’s hard to explain, even harder to contain.  A situation you meddled with for fun, turned into your worst nightmare-and it’s only just begun.

And the nights, they linger, and you long for rain to match your blues. But it’s sunny and warm, and life waits for no one. So you’re forced to continue marching on, accepting the bitter reality, and realizing that you; even you, are not impartial to heartache, heartbreak, rejection, loneliness, hurt.

Sometimes we do the hurting too. It’s a phenomena unexplained.  A vicious cycle uncontained. How do you protect yourself from this horrible pain? By guarding your heart; as the ancient writer of Proverbs says.  Good advice, I would say.  But like Eve, the forbidden fruit is always tempting, no matter the pain that lies ahead.

Inner being

The things we do: struggle with, cannot overcome, the things that control us.  What if most of our problems are our own undoing? What if we are to blame for our mistakes? What if the core of our problem is our own self?  A bad habit, for example.  Why do we fall back to this?  Is it because it’s comfortable? it’s safe, provides some sort of relief?  Although destructive, we continue that habit for temporary self-gratification.

Now I am not that naive to imply everything bad is our own fault.  That is far from what I believe.  Rather; I strongly believe culture/society, religion, social status, education, and most importantly, childhood rearing play a large role in shaping and developing us into who we become as adults. How we perceive the world around us and how we respond to challenges.  Tracing back to the home will lead us to the genesis of our transformation. From the caterpillar to the butterfly set free to roam the world.  This is where we learn emotion.  How to handle it, receive it, resist it, learn to control it-or indulge.  What you were shown in the home, becomes the model for your life until you realize that some things just weren’t up to par.  That you have the ability to change the way you see things.  I think it is very important to discover who you are at the core, and break down walls that have caused you to close yourself in; and mark boundaries that have allowed destruction in your life.  Learn who you are. Trace your steps backward, inward, deep into the crevices of the heart where it’s a little eerie.  Where things are kept safely hidden away from the world to see, even yourself.  But these are precious things, this is you.  And You are worth discovering.

Another year older

As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches.  Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed.  Woes and worries, stress and anxiety.  Your car speaker going out on your already failing car.  Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price.  stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist.  Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short.  And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you  get back up again and keep moving.  Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life.  Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”.  Life.  It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on.  Life. It has been beautiful.  Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low.  It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.

 

Rediscovering myself

I am working on self love.  I realized that is what I lack.  Sure, I love my appearance.  But do I love me?

Growing up in a big family had its pros.  But it also had its cons.  Those I did not come to realize until I grew up and began dealing with myself.  Myself at work, in relationships, public settings, alone.  “Who am I?” I would often ask, wonder, ponder..search.

After getting hurt, or rather, allowing toxic people into my life and run rampant all over me, I realized something was not right.  How was I allowing this?  Why did I obsess over people who rejected me?  Why do I desire so passionately and fiercely to be accepted?  Why am I afraid to stand alone?

1. How was I allowing being mistreated?

I was the middle child.  Closer to younger.  Much younger than the older siblings.  Too young to go out, too old to play.  The feeling of being left out; it hurt.  It felt like no one wanted you around.  You weren’t qualified enough.  You were beaten down, talked down to, unaccepted, rejected.  That was the card you were dealt.  And it became accepted as normal treatment.  It was so regular, you did not blink an eye when it was happening.  Rather, you try to improve to fit in.  But you don’t. So you go around in life accepting the same behavior.  Accepting anything and everything life throws at you, regard it as a normal functionality of life, and do what you must to fit in with the crowds.

2) Obsession over people who rejected me.

I don’t know how I managed to get here, but apparently it’s an ego issue.  Which is a relief and hopefully a quick fix.  Or maybe its reliving childhood trauma all over again.  Being rejected.  left behind, unwanted, unseen, ignored.  And you plead with the world to see you, take notice, love you, accept you.  But you feel discarded.  Why?  Why do you feel this way?  Why do other’s opinions matter so much?  Why are you so afraid of your own voice, your own thoughts?  Was it because you were never taken seriously?  So therefore, you’re downtrodden, and angry when yet another person walks away from the mess you don’t know you’re in.

3) Desire to be accepted.

After being neglected and overlooked for so long, you crave the need for attention, acceptance, recognition, guidance, and will do whatever it takes to get it; right?  Some people act out and misbehave.  Or in my case, you recede.  You lay low, try to remain unnoticed and unheard, lest you give yet another person the chance to mock you or scorn you, correct or reject you.  Those needs that were not met growing up resulted in fear, resentment, insecurities, pain, non acceptance of self, self loathing, trying to figure out what was wrong with you, and why no one likes or accepts you.  No one champions your strengths, sees your potential and capabilities, admires your accomplishments, encourages you to continue striving. No one cares. So that longing for someone, anyone to show some sort of interest is like a hit of opium when that need is finally met.  That’s why we allow toxic people into our lives.  Our sense of judgment, filtering, and boundaries is skewed and not developed fully.  We take what we’re given and try to make the best of the situation.  Often leading to compromising our values, beliefs, and morals.  We debase ourselves.  We allow ourselves to be trampled on, laughed at, scorned, bullied, and we don’t realize that we have a voice and we are allowed to use it.  We were never given the opportunity to sharpen this tool.  Rather, it was always silenced.  Suppressed, tuned out in the noise.  Forgotten in the chaos.

4) Why am I afraid to stand alone?

I shouldn’t be by now.  Because alone is all I’ve ever known.  And alone is where I discovered myself.  My beautiful, loving, caring, capable, valuable, lovable, desirable, intellectual, incredible, unique, special, and talented self.

The mess is still there, but I’m doing my best to clean it all up.  Clear up the hurt and the heartache.  Wipe away the pain of rejection and fear of failure.  Sweep out all negative thoughts and emotions.  And nurture to life what was neglected by others and by myself for so long.