Inner being

The things we do: struggle with, cannot overcome, the things that control us.  What if most of our problems are our own undoing? What if we are to blame for our mistakes? What if the core of our problem is our own self?  A bad habit, for example.  Why do we fall back to this?  Is it because it’s comfortable? it’s safe, provides some sort of relief?  Although destructive, we continue that habit for temporary self-gratification.

Now I am not that naive to imply everything bad is our own fault.  That is far from what I believe.  Rather; I strongly believe culture/society, religion, social status, education, and most importantly, childhood rearing play a large role in shaping and developing us into who we become as adults. How we perceive the world around us and how we respond to challenges.  Tracing back to the home will lead us to the genesis of our transformation. From the caterpillar to the butterfly set free to roam the world.  This is where we learn emotion.  How to handle it, receive it, resist it, learn to control it-or indulge.  What you were shown in the home, becomes the model for your life until you realize that some things just weren’t up to par.  That you have the ability to change the way you see things.  I think it is very important to discover who you are at the core, and break down walls that have caused you to close yourself in; and mark boundaries that have allowed destruction in your life.  Learn who you are. Trace your steps backward, inward, deep into the crevices of the heart where it’s a little eerie.  Where things are kept safely hidden away from the world to see, even yourself.  But these are precious things, this is you.  And You are worth discovering.

Another year older

As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches.  Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed.  Woes and worries, stress and anxiety.  Your car speaker going out on your already failing car.  Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price.  stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist.  Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short.  And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you  get back up again and keep moving.  Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life.  Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”.  Life.  It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on.  Life. It has been beautiful.  Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low.  It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.

 

Rediscovering myself

I am working on self love.  I realized that is what I lack.  Sure, I love my appearance.  But do I love me?

Growing up in a big family had its pros.  But it also had its cons.  Those I did not come to realize until I grew up and began dealing with myself.  Myself at work, in relationships, public settings, alone.  “Who am I?” I would often ask, wonder, ponder..search.

After getting hurt, or rather, allowing toxic people into my life and run rampant all over me, I realized something was not right.  How was I allowing this?  Why did I obsess over people who rejected me?  Why do I desire so passionately and fiercely to be accepted?  Why am I afraid to stand alone?

  1. How was I allowing being mistreated?

I was the middle child.  Closer to younger.  Much younger than the older siblings.  Too young to go out, too old to play.  The feeling of being left out; it hurt.  It felt like no one wanted you around.  You weren’t qualified enough.  You were beaten down, talked down to, unaccepted, rejected.  That was the card you were dealt.  And it became accepted as normal treatment.  It was so regular, you did not blink an eye when it was happening.  Rather, you try to improve to fit in.  But you don’t. So you go around in life accepting the same behavior.  Accepting anything and everything life throws at you, regard it as a normal functionality of life, and do what you must to fit in with the crowds.

2) Obsession over people who rejected me.

I don’t know how I managed to get here, but apparently it’s an ego issue.  Which is a relief and hopefully a quick fix.  Or maybe its reliving childhood trauma all over again.  Being rejected.  left behind, unwanted, unseen, ignored.  And you plead with the world to see you, take notice, love you, accept you.  But you feel discarded.  Why?  Why do you feel this way?  Why do other’s opinions matter so much?  Why are you so afraid of your own voice, your own thoughts?  Was it because you were never taken seriously?  So therefore, you’re downtrodden, and angry when yet another person walks away from the mess you don’t know you’re in.

3) Desire to be accepted.

After being neglected and overlooked for so long, you crave the need for attention, acceptance, recognition, guidance, and will do whatever it takes to get it; right?  Some people act out and misbehave.  Or in my case, you recede.  You lay low, try to remain unnoticed and unheard, lest you give yet another person the chance to mock you or scorn you, correct or reject you.  Those needs that were not met growing up resulted in fear, resentment, insecurities, pain, non acceptance of self, self loathing, trying to figure out what was wrong with you, and why no one likes or accepts you.  No one champions your strengths, sees your potential and capabilities, admires your accomplishments, encourages you to continue striving. No one cares. So that longing for someone, anyone to show some sort of interest is like a hit of opium when that need is finally met.  That’s why we allow toxic people into our lives.  Our sense of judgment, filtering, and boundaries is skewed and not developed fully.  We take what we’re given and try to make the best of the situation.  Often leading to compromising our values, beliefs, and morals.  We debase ourselves.  We allow ourselves to be trampled on, laughed at, scorned, bullied, and we don’t realize that we have a voice and we are allowed to use it.  We were never given the opportunity to sharpen this tool.  Rather, it was always silenced.  Suppressed, tuned out in the noise.  Forgotten in the chaos.

4) Why am I afraid to stand alone?

I shouldn’t be by now.  Because alone is all I’ve ever known.  And alone is where I discovered myself.  My beautiful, loving, caring, capable, valuable, lovable, desirable, intellectual, incredible, unique, special, and talented self.

The mess is still there, but I’m doing my best to clean it all up.  Clear up the hurt and the heartache.  Wipe away the pain of rejection and fear of failure.  Sweep out all negative thoughts and emotions.  And nurture to life what was neglected by others and by myself for so long.

A fire awakened

a fire was awakened

burning with an invigorating flame

the allure of passion

and a quiet breath of surrender

eclipsing the moon

as flames lit a starless sky

desire so unyielding

there was no end to her cry

no answer to her why

only the resolution of shattered pieces

extinguishing impassioned flames

in cataclysmic fury

of a heart set ablaze

a fire awakened

recklessly abandoned

woefully unconsumed..

tatisreverie

The night that’ll never be again

You appeared unannounced

uninvited

I was not looking for you

yet there you were

and my heart was instantly smitten

to my surprise

and yours.

you took me by the hand,

and you showed me the moon

and even though I knew this could not be

I allowed my heart and my head to swoon

I followed you through the night

and let you rest your head upon my shoulder

as we ventured through the city

night after night

knowing soon this will be over

the adventures that awaited

flash through my mind

as memories flood back

and I smile every time

although my heart it hurts

the knowledge gained is crucial

the experience of past mistakes

laughter into tears

sheer ecstasy into inconsolable sorrow..

was it worth the pain

was it worth it at all?

The questions we dared not ask

allowed to leave unsanswered

we rode through alley ways

laughing in the night wind

our hearts heavy

but we forbade it to sink in

and deep into the night, as we travel on

we wait in embrace trying not to catch the dawn

yet our eyelids betray us

as sweet slumber steals our infinity

until I wake to a bittersweet moment

where I am left alone

staring back at you

as my heart begins to tear

In ways I never knew

You are a memory I cannot take

yet a memory I often return to

the night beside the water

where you showed me the stars and moon

the clouds that danced above us

sweet silhouettes before our eyes

while we gazed unto the heaven

agonizing over the coming sunrise

we threw caution to the wind

 and conquered the sultry night

hurriedly, painfully, blissfully

the night of many stars

the night of broken hearts…

while time it waited for no one

Marching on without a care

disregarding our distance

laughing at our despair

but in it’s hurried pace

it swept us along

mending our broken hopes and dreams

time

we thought our enemy

was the greatest healer of things.

as the coals of passion settle

and ashes fall to the ground

I find that when i search for you in my memory

my heart no longer is bound

I do not reach for you

while I gaze into the sky

I peer into the horizon between us

magnificent as the stars

the moon we no longer gaze at breathlessly

has laid it’s plaster upon our tainted scars

Out of the abyss

She feels her soul colliding with the abyss 
into the mist that she cannot see, only feel
her soul; it soars and she chases after it hurriedly
through salty water, and silky sand
through dirty streets and alley ways
hand in hand
not willing to part ways
she holds her emotions back, but her eyes betray her
her soul is torn
churning, seeking solace as it tries to evade the emotional torment
yet she prolongs this journey, blindly, curiously, eagerly
but also, very much aware
and she steps foot into the ocean..and lets herself be moved with the waves
two hearts beating..two hearts yearning..two hearts set a blaze
she sheds her sense of direction and wades further
passion is calling. she is swayed
enveloped, she knows she must flee
but she hides in the dark, and the ocean roars on
until morning comes, and she’s found crying in the dawn
her soul is broken, her heart torn in two
for a life that feels borrowed 
yearning for things that cannot be
her eyes like the ocean, crashing against the shore
in furious waves, pouring out the condition of her soul
entertaining thoughts with impossible dreams
but time is of essence
although time stood still it seems
she took one last look
and in the night’s flicker 
it was gone
the moment that was everything
the moment that was all