Running my own Race

Goals are an interesting phenomena.  We set them based on our skills and strengths.  We set them to overcome weaknesses by presenting ourselves with numerous challenges. Then, we dip into our prowess to make dreams a reality.

Why do we goal set? Easy; to get a head in life, right? I hate to ask this, but have you ever compared your effort with someone else’s?  I have. I have.  I had to take a step back and have a pep talk with my inner self to reassure myself that we all grow at our own personal pace.

Sometimes, however, I cannot fathom how some people are just blessed.  Blessed. And I mean BLESSED with something I am working so hard to attain.  Almost as if that came so effortlessly to them.  They were given it. Born with it. Or got lucky and have that which I yearn for. Which I pursue with such vigor; sometimes wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion but always picking myself up again and persevering.  I have been told all my life that “life is not fair” but in all honesty, that does not even begin to justify this phenomena.  It is quite unfathomable to me. I cannot in my mind come to terms with this reality.  How is it that I can put in all my time, effort, invest so much of myself into one or two particular goals, anticipating a specific outcome, only to come up with nothing?  Yet I look around and see others practically flaunting those things so nonchalantly..it causes me so much wonder, almost to a point of anger. How is this possible? And why are my seeds taking so long to sprout? 

A few days ago, I stumbled upon a great quote comparing and contrasting people in all stages of life and the end result/outcome.  The bottom line was that everyone is going at their own pace.  We cannot mock or envy those around us, because they are running their race at their pace, as are we. As am I.  I found solace in that, and was greatly satisfied to stumble upon something that agreed with what I have been thinking on, and what I have eventually come to terms with.  I no longer feel left behind, forgotten, although difficult at times.  I have decided my race has been outlined specifically for me, and I would never be the amazing woman I am today, had I not gone through the challenges life presented me. I am continually growing and developing, achieving and failing. Learning and pressing on.  

The night that’ll never be again

You appeared unannounced

uninvited

I was not looking for you

yet there you were

and my heart was instantly smitten

to my surprise

and yours.

you took me by the hand,

and you showed me the moon

and even though I knew this could not be

I allowed my heart and my head to swoon

I followed you through the night

and let you rest your head upon my shoulder

as we ventured through the city

night after night

knowing soon this will be over

the adventures that awaited

flash through my mind

as memories flood back

and I smile every time

although my heart it hurts

the knowledge gained is crucial

the experience of past mistakes

laughter into tears

sheer ecstasy into inconsolable sorrow..

was it worth the pain

was it worth it at all?

The questions we dared not ask

allowed to leave unsanswered

we rode through alley ways

laughing in the night wind

our hearts heavy

but we forbade it to sink in

and deep into the night, as we travel on

we wait in embrace trying not to catch the dawn

yet our eyelids betray us

as sweet slumber steals our infinity

until I wake to a bittersweet moment

where I am left alone

staring back at you

as my heart begins to tear

In ways I never knew

You are a memory I cannot take

yet a memory I often return to

the night beside the water

where you showed me the stars and moon

the clouds that danced above us

sweet silhouettes before our eyes

while we gazed unto the heaven

agonizing over the coming sunrise

we threw caution to the wind

 and conquered the sultry night

hurriedly, painfully, blissfully

the night of many stars

the night of broken hearts…

while time it waited for no one

Marching on without a care

disregarding our distance

laughing at our despair

but in it’s hurried pace

it swept us along

mending our broken hopes and dreams

time

we thought our enemy

was the greatest healer of things.

as the coals of passion settle

and ashes fall to the ground

I find that when i search for you in my memory

my heart no longer is bound

I do not reach for you

while I gaze into the sky

I peer into the horizon between us

magnificent as the stars

the moon we no longer gaze at breathlessly

has laid it’s plaster upon our tainted scars

Out of the abyss

She feels her soul colliding with the abyss 
into the mist that she cannot see, only feel
her soul; it soars and she chases after it hurriedly
through salty water, and silky sand
through dirty streets and alley ways
hand in hand
not willing to part ways
she holds her emotions back, but her eyes betray her
her soul is torn
churning, seeking solace as it tries to evade the emotional torment
yet she prolongs this journey, blindly, curiously, eagerly
but also, very much aware
and she steps foot into the ocean..and lets herself be moved with the waves
two hearts beating..two hearts yearning..two hearts set a blaze
she sheds her sense of direction and wades further
passion is calling. she is swayed
enveloped, she knows she must flee
but she hides in the dark, and the ocean roars on
until morning comes, and she’s found crying in the dawn
her soul is broken, her heart torn in two
for a life that feels borrowed 
yearning for things that cannot be
her eyes like the ocean, crashing against the shore
in furious waves, pouring out the condition of her soul
entertaining thoughts with impossible dreams
but time is of essence
although time stood still it seems
she took one last look
and in the night’s flicker 
it was gone
the moment that was everything
the moment that was all

I feel strong
Often misunderstood 
But unshaken nonetheless 

I feel empowered

Courageous even

Although I admit I am weak

I am fragile

I try my best to be meek

Shortcomings, yes

The urge to quit? No.

Torn apart

Yet intricately sewn back together

Shattered, yet made new

This world, though it try

It will not destroy

It will not conquer

It will not subdue

I will fight
I have the will to survive

I CAN do all things..

 

 

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Relocating to the city has been an experience far grander than I ever imagined. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever imagined this at all.. As I stand around in wonder, taking in the sights; I am filled with inexpressible joy and humility. I have learned how small I am, that I cannot see this city in one day. That I cannot learn its language in one moment, or adapt to its culture instantaneously. Rather, I have been taught the opposite. That humility takes you far, curiosity allows you to see in depth, and stepping out of your comfort zone will reveal a world You did not realize existed.  As I mentally chew on my thoughts, I realize how far I’ve gone and thought to myself; what would I say if someone asked me if I thought about whether I could do it or not ? I have come to the conclusion that it’s not whether you can or can’t, it’s a matter of if you do or don’t. Because after all, I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.