If you asked me what I am doing, I would tell you I am sitting here being angry. Angry at the laws and rules and regulations that society, culture, religion make for us. How they shape and mold and condition our mind. Predict our future and what to expect, then throw us into the winds of this world, barely able to fly, and watch in disdain when we crash and burn.
No one told me reality has no mold, no law, no regulation, no limit, and no regard for my conditioning. Rather, it threw life into my face; whether I was ready or not. I was completely caught off guard, trying to juggle all the curve balls while maintaining a balancing act upside down, on one arm, with the audience of the whole world watching pitifully as I struggle. And that is a modest picture. But, the show must go on. So what do we do? Who can give us the answer? Or even a clue? What is life? How do I live it without screwing it up even further?
What I have come to realize is that Life is not something anyone can prepare for. Life is a gift. Yet unfortunately, we receive this gift with bias, skewed perspectives, dread, misconception, etc. etc. We blow through our twenties searching for meaning and purpose; while committing the most sins possible, and running on mercy and grace, repenting every Sunday morning. We near our thirties, anxious about the fact that we have not figured life out yet, only to realize; life doesn’t turn out the way we have expected! Life did not turn out the way it was supposed to be, the way we were told! And with tear streaked faces, we slowly come to terms with the realization that we may never receive what’s “expected”. Whatever that is, anyway. We may never figure life out. We may never please culture or religion. Society is always changing its fickle mind. Life is meant for living. In the here. In the now. Day by day. One step after another. This is life. It should be championed. Cherished. Lived! This is what I wish I was told when I reached my 20’s.
How many of my fellow introverts find dating to be quite exhausting? Anybody else out there or am I the only one who actually avoids it due to the constant need to explain to others my need for space, my love of being alone and indoors. That quiet solitude is a total norm for me, and no; I’m not mad at you, I do like you, and yes! I am having a lot of fun! What does an introverted girl need to do to keep the love coming, but also keep it at a safe distance until further notice?
Okay, I do have game, and I have no problem snagging a man. But as an introvert, I have a tough time opening up and letting people in. And I mean friends too. New friends. Sure, I am super bubbly, outgoing, and extroverted whenever the feeling strikes. But mostly, I am quiet, calm, collected, and always juggling several different thought processes in my mind. But I do enjoy having you around, even if my lack of enthusiasm often times throws you off.
What are some ways I can perhaps relay myself better so that I don’t come off as cold or rude? Which to be quite frank, I intentionally become thus when people try to barge in on my personal and/or private space. Boundaries people, boundaries! Also, as an independent female, sound, and completely okay fending for myself; how do I resist falling into a bit of panic or get overwhelmed when I’m met with someone who is extremely needy, clingy, and constantly needs my attention? How best can I tackle these issues as an introvert who truly wants to be your friend, soul mate, whatever; but also someone who really needs to take their time before diving in?
Thoughts, tips, comments?
As the day proceeds and the minutes march on, my last moments of 27 drip away as if I’m watching an hourglass. Sigh.. the things that life teaches. Things I wish I knew when I was younger, mistakes that could have been avoided. Sins that could’ve not been committed. Woes and worries, stress and anxiety. Your car speaker going out on your already failing car. Putting it up for sale praying it’ll go for a decent price. stretching every last dollar, yet indulging in that yummy cafe latte that you simply cannot resist. Fighting back tears as emotions get the best of you when you realize you’ve sold yourself short. And fierce determination building up, reclaiming your strength, demanding you get back up again and keep moving. Sucking up the pain, worry, and realizing these are the daily battles we face in life. Understanding finally the exclamation “putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it”. Life. It’s chaotic, it’s messy, it’s confusing, frustrating, rewarding, blissful, wonderful, adventurous, excruciating at times, full of trials, but the greatest teacher to all the lessons we have yet to learn. Day by day, year by year. Marching on like an everlasting army. Moving, and moving, and moving. On and on and on. Life. It has been beautiful. Thank you God for another year of this roller coaster ride where the highs are high, and the lows can be painstakingly low. It’s a beautiful life. and I am thankful for each day.
Today God came through for me in such a glorious way!I’ve been taking a new bus route to work, faster and smoother, but jam-packed. The past couple of times, I had to stand because there was no room to sit. Anyway this beautiful spring morning, I wanted to wear a dress and wedge heels, and actually look nice (hello, summer!) but the mere thought of going on the packed bus, squished with people, and possibly having to stand in my dainty wedges and pretty green dress nearly deterred me from that route. I was contemplating taking a route further from home-with more walking and stops- but the ride promised to be nicer and more comfortable in a cozy two story bus. Sounds dreamy right? It did to me that early morning as I weighed the options during my drive. I ended up changing my mind last minute and decided to go through with my usual route, and swerved into the park & ride just before I passed it. And also as usual, there was a line. So I was sure that I’d have to be standing the entire hour drive. In line, I realized I didn’t bend my knee in prayer before I left home so I started to say a quick prayer but then stopped short; asking myself why I have to breeze through this prayer like a quick mandatory instruction page. I decided God deserves more of my precious time, and what better things to do but pray while wait? So pray I did. The clock kept ticking, my prayers to God about reserving me a seat on the bus kept traveling upward..and then the moment came when the bus arrived. Perhaps out of dread that it’d be so full, and I’d probably be standing, I didn’t want to look at the bus. I just filed in line right behind the person ahead of me. As the bus got closer to us and finally came to a stop, I glanced over my shoulder, but then had to take a double take! What is this I’m seeing??? My mouth (internally) dropped to the ground, and my world stopped spinning for a brief moment. I had to make myself continue walking in line, awestruck by the two story bus I’ve been longing for this morning standing in front of me; waiting for me to get myself together and get on board! Did they finally get a new bus for this packed route?? Whatever the reason, I climbed those stairs to the top in sheer joy, found a comfy seat next to a sleeping commuter, and sat down in praise. What a glorious surprise. These are my morning with my Glorious Jesus.