Running my own Race

Goals are an interesting phenomena.  We set them based on our skills and strengths.  We set them to overcome weaknesses by presenting ourselves with numerous challenges. Then, we dip into our prowess to make dreams a reality.

Why do we goal set? Easy; to get a head in life, right? I hate to ask this, but have you ever compared your effort with someone else’s?  I have. I have.  I had to take a step back and have a pep talk with my inner self to reassure myself that we all grow at our own personal pace.

Sometimes, however, I cannot fathom how some people are just blessed.  Blessed. And I mean BLESSED with something I am working so hard to attain.  Almost as if that came so effortlessly to them.  They were given it. Born with it. Or got lucky and have that which I yearn for. Which I pursue with such vigor; sometimes wearing myself out to the point of exhaustion but always picking myself up again and persevering.  I have been told all my life that “life is not fair” but in all honesty, that does not even begin to justify this phenomena.  It is quite unfathomable to me. I cannot in my mind come to terms with this reality.  How is it that I can put in all my time, effort, invest so much of myself into one or two particular goals, anticipating a specific outcome, only to come up with nothing?  Yet I look around and see others practically flaunting those things so nonchalantly..it causes me so much wonder, almost to a point of anger. How is this possible? And why are my seeds taking so long to sprout? 

A few days ago, I stumbled upon a great quote comparing and contrasting people in all stages of life and the end result/outcome.  The bottom line was that everyone is going at their own pace.  We cannot mock or envy those around us, because they are running their race at their pace, as are we. As am I.  I found solace in that, and was greatly satisfied to stumble upon something that agreed with what I have been thinking on, and what I have eventually come to terms with.  I no longer feel left behind, forgotten, although difficult at times.  I have decided my race has been outlined specifically for me, and I would never be the amazing woman I am today, had I not gone through the challenges life presented me. I am continually growing and developing, achieving and failing. Learning and pressing on.  

Who can explain the phenomena of hurt?

We’ve all been there.  That shattering, gut wrenching feeling of a broken heart. Crushed, used, abused, and left alone to put the pieces back together. Tear stained eyes, soaked pillows, countless nights of cries. Rejection, failure, loss, torn apart, a broken heart, hurt.

It’s true, what they say, that in dealing with loss, one of the stages is denial.  All the signs are there, but you cannot accept it.  Cannot voice it, face it, register it. These things happen to other people, surely it will not happen to me!  I am too great of a person, I have so much to offer, so much potential, I have been doing all the right things, sure I may have slipped up here and there, lost my temper, said some things I didn’t mean. But we got over it, right? We worked it out, hugged it out, loved it out. What happened.  Why are you ignoring me?  Why did you leave me?  Why did you HURT me?

And so it goes: woe is you, and nobody knows how to console your aching heart. No one has the answers, and you’re left mourning for the loss of something you could not hold on to; try as you might.  And you wonder, what went wrong?  You’re angry that you allowed yourself to get so attached, to get swept into a situation out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, or just mere bliss.  Whatever the reason, you did not expect your heart to latch on this strong.  Resulting in feelings festering inside, emotions running wild, a zest for this person so fierce, it’s hard to explain, even harder to contain.  A situation you meddled with for fun, turned into your worst nightmare-and it’s only just begun.

And the nights, they linger, and you long for rain to match your blues. But it’s sunny and warm, and life waits for no one. So you’re forced to continue marching on, accepting the bitter reality, and realizing that you; even you, are not impartial to heartache, heartbreak, rejection, loneliness, hurt.

Sometimes we do the hurting too. It’s a phenomena unexplained.  A vicious cycle uncontained. How do you protect yourself from this horrible pain? By guarding your heart; as the ancient writer of Proverbs says.  Good advice, I would say.  But like Eve, the forbidden fruit is always tempting, no matter the pain that lies ahead.

I feel strong
Often misunderstood 
But unshaken nonetheless 

I feel empowered

Courageous even

Although I admit I am weak

I am fragile

I try my best to be meek

Shortcomings, yes

The urge to quit? No.

Torn apart

Yet intricately sewn back together

Shattered, yet made new

This world, though it try

It will not destroy

It will not conquer

It will not subdue

I will fight
I have the will to survive

I CAN do all things..

 

 

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Relocating to the city has been an experience far grander than I ever imagined. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever imagined this at all.. As I stand around in wonder, taking in the sights; I am filled with inexpressible joy and humility. I have learned how small I am, that I cannot see this city in one day. That I cannot learn its language in one moment, or adapt to its culture instantaneously. Rather, I have been taught the opposite. That humility takes you far, curiosity allows you to see in depth, and stepping out of your comfort zone will reveal a world You did not realize existed.  As I mentally chew on my thoughts, I realize how far I’ve gone and thought to myself; what would I say if someone asked me if I thought about whether I could do it or not ? I have come to the conclusion that it’s not whether you can or can’t, it’s a matter of if you do or don’t. Because after all, I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.